trying to love myself. by taking care of myself.
clearing the room of old things, i used the following sorting method: if i don’t have a memory attached to a particular object, that object is going into the bin (though not before having its photo taken) by doing this, i found out just a little bit more about what’s important to me, and i got a taste of how to living purposefully, where you actively make choices about what to in/exclude in your life.
i found also that i am now more able to let go of the so-called golden period which i used to label onto my childhood. yes sure, i had lots of people to love me, and lots of interesting experiences, but that need not to be a constant backdrop that i compare my current life with. OK, so maybe i wasn’t such a good friend and had therefore not managed to keep that many in my life right now, but that doesn’t mean i have to constantly beat myself up about it. i can go out and meet new friends, and try to be a more interesting self so that there is something i can share with people i meet. i should also learn to under-promise and over-deliver, so that i maintain a good integrity standard which i myself consider to be an important attribute in a friend. also, the experiences are now up to me to create, and that should be more fun because after all, you are most aware of your own interests and what’s not to love about choices?
i also found that actually my first bf was not that bad of a bf. he is perfect in his own way, that is, unassuming, kind, reliable, though sometimes a bit childish. yet i can say that he is not the right one for me in that he does not provide enough stimulus for me as a person to make him suitable as a life-long partner. and also more importantly, i was in no way ready to stay in a long-term relationship seeing as it was my first serious one and i hardly knew about myself and what i wanted in a mate. of course, he would’ve been a strong breadwinner, but that is not enough for me, and it’s fine to accept this particular side of me. perhaps what i need then, in relation to that failed attempt, is someone who is intellectually interesting and enjoys being intellectual. someone who likes some fun in their lives and keeps things in a constant liveliness.
which brings me to the question if, as far as requirements are concerned, i am being impossible. what are the chances that such a ‘perfect’ guy would come along, be available, be interested in me, be compatible in the other aspects of our personality, values, background etc etc?
so therefore, i have resigned not to worry about finding mr right, but to improve myself first. i can’t control fate, but i can control what i do in my life everyday. perhaps i won’t always have the drive, i will sometimes be lazy, and i might sometimes lower my standard, but at least now i have a clear goal to work towards, and one that is very real and achievable (though never-ending). and that is important because i am no longer a kid, and significant because i’m fine with that thought.