我曾為你快樂 也曾為你挫折
曾把你 緊緊抱著 緊緊依賴著 緊緊地愛著
離開很不捨得 以為會崩潰的
卻在最痛的時刻 最感覺清澈
什麼都會過去的

 

i thought it would be good. but i never got rid of the doubts. he pushed me for many things. i pushed him for my share. not a healthy relationship. less and less connectedness. so we are here. again. like we only just met. and we are only the most normal kind of friends.

we will miss the memories, and that’s it. we move on. we learn, hopefully the full lesson.

i feel on the verge of tears and i listen to songs that speak to my situation, which makes me cry more. but i think that’s good. get it out of my system. the feelings. of regret, of the disappointment. of the loss of something precious. of the loss of hope, of the mistakes.

it’s ok. i can get through this. this is what i need. be strong, my dear.

What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?

 

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

Recurring dream

I’m in a lift. with an unknown person. i have a feeling that my companion is a girl but i’m not sure. all i know is that i’m in charge of making the decision of choosing a floor for the lift to go to by pressing one of the few buttons available. the floors are not in consecutive order but are random. if i chose the wrong floor (as i seem to do every time), a huge current of malicious wind would sweep in from outside, blowing us away to unknown abysses. i’m just forced to continuously choose, and to continuously experience the negative consequences of my forced choices. and my companion suffers with me.

few thoughts on the strange behaviours of HK people:

1) what is it with HK people and lining up?

9:30am you get 30 people lining up in Central (Central Business District) for cookies

7:30pm you get 50 people lining up for Simply Life (a restaurant) in Festival Walk when 15min from there in IFC Central you can get a table without waiting.

2) What is it with women obsessed with marrying a rich guy like it will make her happily ever after?

like those 3 women of 25-35, discussing about their colleague’s ring for 15 min then continue to talk about where to find a rich husband for the rest of their lunch (from a Catholic church, because apparently Protestants are from more grassroots origins).

and this 25+ woman on the MTR this morning who had a huge plastic phone strap with 4 words: 嫁有錢人 (marry a rich guy)

well rich people are real people too, and they know when someone loves them for real and when someone just wants their money. if you are not pretty like the movie stars, why not just work hard to earn the money yourself instead of having to rely on a stupid man who is stupid enough to take you as his wife without knowing that you are just in it for the money?

the thing that bothers me most is not that they have these thoughts, but the fact that they talk about it so loudly and/or display it so outrageously for others to see, as if this mentality is something to be proud of.

3) this morning on the train, two women right next to me studied the long news article in their morning papers about how Chrissie Chau has dumped her unfaithful boyfriend and how she tacitly acknowledged that Alex Fong has a chance with her. It goes without saying that a super sexy picture of her was included in the article. But still, why waste 5 minutes of their life being engrossed in something like that?

banana

this morning, as dad and i were riding the lift down to go to work, a little something made me chuckle at the time, and later evolved into a small thinking session.

what happened was that a little boy and his mother were in the lift first, and then a man came in holding a banana in his hand (his breakfast, I presume). the little boy probably just learned the word banana and what it looks like, and he very cutely pronounced the word as loud and clear for everyone in the lift, and i immediately chuckled. to award the boy, the man promptly gave him the banana.

well, how often do we really ask for something in life? of life? of the people around us? how often does our sense of entitlement changes or reinforces what we strive for or what we get in the end?

i thought about God’s promise: ask and it shall be given to you.

and about the students i met yesterday, who have been born into well-endowed settings.

and about my relationship, where each person is simultaneously a giver and a taker.

i guess there are two dimensions to this: on one level, it is about what you expect, and on the other, what you actually ask for.

it’s not much of a daunting riddle to solve, just want to note this down while i’m grappling with these thoughts.

Beijing Dumplings

剛剛到了對面街的王府吃餃子麵。雖然是第一次去,但當進去之後聽到四方八面傳來的普通話,我就知道應該沒錯。由於我就自己一個,所以不斷都有人搭檯。開頭有三個西裝普通男我完全聽不懂,之後很快便換了另外一男兩女。男的點菜的時候很豪爽,可能也沒怎麼看餐牌,其後女的看到單上只有價錢,便問點了些甚麼。男的忘了哪個是甚麼價錢,所以詢問在附近的老闆娘。搞清楚後男的很快便轉話題問老闆娘,”你那個是北京口音吧?” 他們随即開始談自己是否北京人這個話題。女的說其實他們三個都不是(百分之百的)北京人,換來老闆娘一句 “不是北京人不要緊,都可以是北京口音,不是北京口音也不要緊,都是中國人就行!” (然後他們偷看隔檯的老外。。。)我心想,老闆娘看的好宏觀喔 (汗)

他們繼續談,我繼續偷聽。三個都有北京的戶口,卻對北京有很不同的看法。一個女的說她很討厭北京,怎麼都不會回去。幾翻追問後才知道她是因為從雲南移居到北京上高中,從好學生變了中游而且沒有去過學校以外的地方,所以覺得一再踏足北京壓力就會回來。另外那個女的說,她比較喜歡以前的北京,因為現在的太過現代化了; 而且,找男人都不要在北京找,因為他們只會說不會做。至於那個男的就覺得北京好上海更好,空氣氣候等比香港好,玩的也比香港的好玩十倍。說到這,他們就開始談論其他朋友們在哪裡(深圳?)和各自公司的事(甚麼credit sales, IP…)。 我聽不明白了,卻在想: 究竟現在剛投入工作的內地人,他們比我們有更多的選擇嗎?而同時我們香港輸進內地,輸出外國的也多不勝數。究竟一個人出生長大的地方對那個人有什麼引力?是什麼驅使人出走?有什麼能讓人留下?

ps 北京口音令本身已經挺好吃的餃子麵變得更有風味

IMG_6240[1]

hmm… yesterday was the opening of our new office at wellington st.

at the opening, i found myself wondering around, without anyone to talk to. i guess i figured that no one would be interested in talking to me. but is that true? perhaps. what’s definitely true is that i still consider myself different from the 30-sth and 40-sth, but that really should not be my mindset.  anyway it was a relief when nancy asked me to be in charge of the camera (probably after she saw me wondering around with nothing to do). and to be fair, i couldn’t very much stand there and talk to someone for long because nancy was always calling me to get the door, get more food etc etc

the surprise (for me) is that i found that i didn’t mind wiping the floor, cleaning after people and taking the coats. perhaps i have finally become humbled by the year of working in luxury retail in a 2-person company, where i am always going to be the ah 4 when the situation arises.

anyway.

李嘉誠:你想過普通生活,就會遇到普通的挫折;你想過上最好的生活,就一定會遇上最強的傷害。世界很公平,你想要最好,就一定會給你最痛。能闖過去,你就是贏家,闖不過去,那就乖乖退回去做個普通人吧。所謂成功,並不是看你有多聰明,也不是要你出賣自己,而是看你能否笑著渡過難關。

the fight is on.

hello.

just want to note down here, this day after the long, long talk with my parents about my future.

in some instances, i did fail to take care of myself – to think about what i want to do for a career. sometimes i wasted all that time, doing things that aren’t very constructive. yet, lost time cannot be retrieved. what can be changed for the better is my attitude.

obviously, the process of searching for one’s purpose will not finish overnight. therefore, what’s needed here is a lot of persistence as well as patience. Those have never been my forte, but now is not the time to surrender.

the fight is on.