Well my e-sanctuary is down so being the typical me I am back to wordpress for an alternative place to rant my thoughts.
I am currently reading Murakami’s (again) Wind-up Bird Chronicle, and although I’m not sure what the novel is leading to at the moment, I quite enjoy the philosophical thoughts present every few paragraphs. Just last night, there is a passage about curiosity and guts.
The protagonist, Mr. Wind-up-bird, was questioned by a teenage girl who lived next door about his intents and whether he was a pervert when he was found whistling eyes-closed in a deserted house in the neighbourhood. She asked if he considered himself to be a person with guts, since it takes guts to trespass, even if it was only into a deserted garden where no one would really notice you (unless they were watching the road with binoculars from upstairs like the girl was). He replied that he thought it was more curiosity than guts that led him to walk through the gate and sit for a while in the garden, and that although sometimes guts and curiosity would bring out each other, guts was more long-lasting, while curiosity just came in bursts, leaving you to fend for yourself afterwards to get out of an awkward situation.
I think that is quite true, in the sense that not everyone has the guts to do what one has to do in a given situation. For me, I have my fair share of being a coward, and I do not think that it is a matter of choice but rather a given based on one’s character. I believe that each person should be entitled to live their life as they see fit, because everyone has had different experiences leading up to their present selves. Going against the ‘flow’ (again, referring to WUB, this time to the old seer) might be just as bad, because even if you summoned up enough courage to do something at a particular point, you may not have the strength nor resources to deal with the aftermath.
This is not to say that we should not work towards becoming a better person, the question is how we can work towards the ideal bit by bit, day by day. To be honest, I have been quite unhappy with myself lately, mainly because I do not know what I want out of life. Even meeting up with ‘friends’ became a burden in the fear that they would ask me about my job, what I am doing etc etc, and I would have to explain, half-heartedly, what exactly it is that I am doing with my life – that is – wasting it away. It’s not that it is a bad job, per se, but I always seem to find more things to hate rather than love out of my jobs. To me, the main problem is that I’m not going anywhere with it, not getting to know more people in the field, not learning new skills, gaining new experiences… I know that a job can’t be exciting all year around, but sometimes, with my boss always coming in late and leaving early, I find myself wondering why I am so ‘hea’, as in having nothing much to do, let alone anything important. As such, a stress is developing out of the fact that I am not having any stress at work. The pay is actually not bad, which in a sense heightens my wariness as to why I should have nothing much to do all day long. Otherwise, the tasks are scattered, far from challenging, and therefore … boring.
It has also given me a lot of time to think about useless stuff like past relationships and what it means to really ‘love’ etc, which in themselves have presented new problems to me, that aren’t really going to bring much help in making me a more useful person to the society. And the worse thing is that, I have hardly anyone to talk to, since everyone else is busily getting on with their lives, while I am still dwelling on the past and being hesitant about taking steps in new directions. I feel really tired keeping up with the news, the bickering between Hongkongers and Mainland Chinese, I feel tired about going to work doing pointless things everyday, and I feel tired being myself, with all my burden from the past. It’s like living in constant pain, only it’s in your head.
Sure, this is nowhere near a psychological problem. But, I am having trouble finding a solution as to how to deal with this.